Emotions are not always easy to control. They can come over us, sometimes when we least expect it. When this happens, we can often feel overwhelmed or helpless. Sometimes we might act out our feelings without even being aware of them. This is especially true for children and adolescents, who are still learning how to understand their own thoughts and feelings. Several forms of therapy specifically aim to help us learn how to engage in Emotion Regulation, which are cognitive skills that help us identify the emotions we experience, find effective ways to cope with them, and express our emotions productively. Emotion regulation is a valuable skill that children develop throughout their growth, cultivating adaptive emotion while reducing distress and self-destructive behaviors.
One Therapeutic skill that has been found to help both children and adults develop Emotion Regulation is Mindfulness. Mindfulness is a mental practice that cultivates present moment awareness, non-judgment, and intentionality. Mindfulness practices have been found to reduce stress, depressive symptoms, strong feelings of anger, and increased feelings of self-efficacy. In children, mindfulness has also been found to decrease disruptive and impulsive behaviors that might result from strong emotion. Although therapists and mindfulness teachers can help their clients practice these skills, several mindfulness techniques can be self-taught, or practiced together with your children. Below are three techniques that may be helpful in promoting mindfulness in you or your family.
1) Name the Feeling
Emotions have the most power over us when we are not aware we are actually feeling it, such as when we are not quite aware of how angry we are with a friend or coworker. We might also be most likely to lose control if we want to deny the feeling we have. For example, we might not want to acknowledge the embarrassment or shame we feel when we make a mistake, so we avoid the feeling. Although we may not want to feel the emotion, paradoxically, it is only when we name the feeling that we begin to feel better. Therefore, one of the most powerful and also simple (although not always easy!) practices is to just try and identify the feeling you are having. This can reduce the intensity of the feeling and help us feel more in control. To practice naming the feeling, you can do the following:
• Take a moment to check in with yourself, noticing sensations in your body, areas of weight or tension, or lightness and energy. Try to find a name for the experience. Try out different emotions until you find the feeling that best matches. For example, if it is anger, try to narrow it down: Is it irritation, frustration, resentment, or fury? Each one of these might feel different.
• Once you find the best fitting feeling, say to yourself, “I am noticing ________ in me” or “There are feelings of _______.” Noticing how you feel as you name the feeling.
• Lastly, just acknowledge that those are the feelings you have. There are no bad feelings. They arise without our control, so we cannot judge them. Just acknowledging without judgement: “There is anger, and that is okay.” “I notice anxiety and I accept it.” Often accepting and letting the feeling pass can be enough. If not, some of these other techniques may be effective next steps.
2) Riding the Wave of Feelings
Sometimes, emotions can be like a wave. They can come over you and pull you in, like being sucked up into a wave or being caught in a riptide. However, one of the principles of mindfulness is that feelings are temporary events; you may feel sadness now, but it will eventually pass. You may be anxious now, but you may not be in a few minutes. The skill of Emotion Surfing can help us tolerate these strong, often overwhelming feelings. Emotion surfing allows us to put distance between us and the strong feeling, learning to just observe the feeling come and go, ebb and flow, rise and fall, just like the waves and tides. They may be strong now, but they may not be later.
• In emotion surfing, you can practice getting mental distance between your own sense of self and the emotion by imagining the emotion as a wave, visualizing the emotion as it rises and falls, increases and decreases.
• As you visualize your emotions, if you start to feel overwhelmed, it may be helpful to say, “This feeling will pass.” Or “This feeling is strong now, but it won’t always be.”
It is often when we fight against or get caught up and focus on the emotions that they last longer and often increase in intensity. However, by just observing and accepting emotion instead of getting caught up in it, you allow for the emotions to fade more naturally.
3) Mindful Breathing
Mindful breathing is a technique that can be used with both ‘small’ and ‘overwhelming’ feelings. Mindful breathing helps us ground ourselves when emotions become strong by allowing us to focus on breathing and giving us time to regain our emotional balance. By focusing on your breath, you shift your attention from your feelings to your body and allow your body and nervous system time to relax. One form of mindful breathing is the 4-4-6 technique, which is very simple:
• Inhale deeply through your nose for a count of 4, letting the air fill your lungs completely.
• Hold your breath for four counts, allowing the pause to ground you.
• Exhale slowly through your mouth for a count of 6, releasing tension with each breath.
• Repeat as necessary
While doing so, keep your attention on the breath, trying to follow how the breath moves in and out of you. If you feel your mind wandering, just return the focus to the breath.
Over time, mindfulness practices can help you increase your emotional resilience, improve self-awareness, and empower you to respond thoughtfully to life’s challenges. However, a few notes:
• Practicing these skills with ‘small’ moments may be helpful before moving to bigger moments. You can’t lift the heaviest weights at the gym safely without first building up your skill and experience. Similarly, do not expect to be able to immediately use these skills with the ‘strongest’ feelings. Start small and build up. Try practicing these with smaller feelings, minor irritations, and frustrations. The small disappointments or the inconsequential embarrassments.
• If you find yourself ‘making mistakes’ or getting caught up in the feeling (something that is often very easy to do!) while trying to do these activities, you can just start again. There's no need to feel frustrated that you got caught up in the feeling. These skills take time to learn, and even experts can’t practice mindfulness perfectly. In fact, many would argue that it is impossible to be perfect at these skills. Try and be compassionate to yourself as you learn these skills.
• These are also just three skills of many within the realm of mindfulness. If you would like to learn more about mindfulness and emotion regulation, you are welcome to reach out to our practice and consult with one of our clinicians about learning more about mindfulness and other emotion regulation strategies in therapy.