\
Skip to main content

Co-Regulation: Working Together to Find Calm

By Madeline Gottlob, B.A.
February 25, 2026
Co-Regulation: Working Together to Find Calm

When emotions are high and reactions are intense, initiating a self-soothing ritual can feel impossible.

While emotion regulation skills are acquired and refined with age and experience, many people struggle to calm themselves in times of extreme stress—especially young children, whose brains and nervous systems have not yet developed the self-regulatory capabilities of adults.

When individual self-soothing strategies like breathing exercises or mindfulness practices are out of reach, co-regulation offers a mutually beneficial mechanism for inviting calm between multiple parties. This is when parents, caregivers, or peers use their own ability to emotionally regulate to help soothe a child or another emotionally charged individual.

Co-regulation begins from the time babies are in the womb. A baby hears their mother's voice and grows attuned to its emotional tone. When a child falls on the playground, they look immediately to their caregiver for support. If that caregiver reassures them that all is fine, the child will likely return to playing. If the caregiver grows anxious and concerned, the child will respond with similar fear and panic. People are profoundly impacted by the emotions of those around them.

Co-regulation goes beyond telling a child to “just calm down,” which can paradoxically increase stress and frustration. It implies that parent and child are working together to establish calm and tackle the situation in tandem.

Getting Started: Regulate Yourself First

The first and perhaps most important step in co-regulation is that parents and caregivers take a moment to establish their own sense of calm. Adults are often capable of pausing to take a few deep breaths or engage in a brief mindfulness exercise when an anxious child cannot.

Strategies for Validating and Soothing Your Child

Get on Their Level

When a child is having a tantrum and lying on the floor, it can help to sit or lie near them rather than standing over them. It is difficult for a child to feel at ease with an authority figure looming above.

Acknowledge Their Emotions

A simple statement like, “I can see that you are really frustrated right now,” teaches a child that what they are feeling is normal and okay. Heightened emotions can be confusing and disorienting, and when parents name them, children learn to identify and manage them more effectively over time.

Keep a Calm Tone

Harsh tones and tense body language can amplify stress, while soothing voices and open posture promote calm. This applies even to babies who have not yet developed language skills. They too respond to the tone of voice and the body language of their caregivers.

Offer Gentle Touch

Sometimes an upset child simply needs a hug to feel grounded and supported. Physical comfort also triggers the release of oxytocin, a feel-good chemical in the brain.

Initiate a Calming Exercise

If a child is ready to communicate and responsive to direction, participating in a breathing exercise together can be mutually beneficial. If the child refuses, doing the exercise yourself while they watch may encourage them to join in. Even if they do not, they will absorb these strategies for use in future stressful situations.

The Long-Term Benefits

Co-regulation is a practice that fosters closer, more positive relationships across all ages. It helps both parent and child manage stress, solve problems together, and adapt when new challenges arise.

Strong emotional skills allow children to:

  • Identify and manage their own emotions
  • Utilize self-soothing techniques
  • Take others' perspectives
  • Practice patience
  • Sustain attention
  • Solve problems
  • Think flexibly
  • Manage time effectively
  • Set and achieve goals

Some research even suggests that strong self-regulation skills predict higher income and lower rates of substance use and violence across the lifespan.

Co-regulation may look different for every family and every child. It is an individualized process that requires patience and practice, but one with lasting benefits for both parent and child.

References